Wired for growth
Do you resist change?
This is so common - change naturally takes us out of our comfort zone. In this note, I want to offer you a reminder that growth and change are the lifeblood of being human—let’s find an approach that offers more grace and wisdom. As much as we may resist, I believe that we are here, on this earth, to grow and evolve - and that certainly doesn’t have to mean being tossed around by life. I believe it’s about living into our potential.
Three pathways to change
Three (probably more) distinct pathways (and sometimes a weird mix of the three) initiate us into transformation.
Life and circumstances. Twenty years ago, I married a military officer, and over the course of his career, we moved eleven times. Every move was different, and every place changed me - especially Hawaii, Zambia, and the two years Erick (my husband) was in Burundi when Clara and I couldn’t go with him. This kind of change happens all of the time if we are paying attention. I see many people get brittle, go numb, or fall into habitual patterns (I mean, who hasn’t just dug in their heels to resist change?) However, we can also soften, open our hearts, and let ourselves be changed by life. My favorite question to ask is, “Who do I need to be or want to be given what life is presenting me?”
Wanting to escape or move away from something unpleasant. It’s a fairly common story to want to get away from something: pain, suffering, aspects of self we judge. In my 20s, when I was deep in debt, I was desperate to pay off the debt because the shame I felt was unbearable, not to mention that I was drowning in the payments. I was trying to escape the situation, to be somewhere different as quickly as possible to rid myself of the shame. It wasn’t until I had a vision for the woman I was becoming - that is, a woman who belonged to myself financially, which included an intention to become “the bank of Nona,” that I was able to devise and commit to a plan to become free of debt. My initial motive was to stop feeling ashamed and escape self-judgment. Still, it was the motive of moving toward love and dignity that actually led me to devote my energy to the work of paying off the debt, which led me to the third pathway.
The impulse and drive to move toward something. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to lose weight—too many to count. And most of the time, my motive was escaping my own harsh criticism. It never worked. I gave up about six years ago and focused on appreciating my body and exercise, and just accepted that I was going to be overweight. However, my doctors kept reporting that I was heading toward diabetes, high blood pressure, and fatty liver. A desire to be healthy and vibrant led me to try again with a new perspective (recognizing my addictive brain). I changed my behavior from a place of love and a vision for my own well-being.
Our internal motive is everything.
I have found that approaching change with curiosity, love, and a vision of who you know you are meant to be is absolutely foundational. So much of the change society tells us we should invest in is driven by self-hatred, fear, and lack that it’s easy to pronounce that the desire to change is rooted in discontent. But it certainly doesn’t have to be.
Life, our perspective, and our circumstances are always changing. We are, too. The desire to grow, change, and become is our very nature. That impulse can (and I would argue is best as) an act of love for ourselves and the world around us.
Let these questions guide you.
Whether life presents you with changes or you want to initiate change in your life, you can ask yourself these questions to help you move in the direction of your dreams.
What vision do I have for my life?
Who do I need to become to live into this vision?
What do I need to let go of to support myself?
What practice can I commit to to help me realize my vision and become the woman I know I’m meant to be?
So claim the ways you really want to change - drop everything that isn’t authentic to you and your path and go forth. Enjoy the incredible journey of choosing your path. If this feels overwhelming, coaching is a wonderful support. Time and again, my clients are able to move through circumstantial, or desired change with a greater sense of empowerment and clarity. I would love to speak to you about whether coaching is a good fit for you at this time.
Let’s begin with a conversation.
Book your 30-minute session to see if coaching is a good fit for you.
