Lately, I’ve been in pain.
Physical, frustrating, annoying pain. Fly buzzing in your ear kind-of pain. And I, being a good yogini and mind-body aware type of gal, have ignored it. “Yeah, yeah, I hear you…” And then mentally walling myself off from the discomfort in my body, making excuses for why I’m feeling pain and then popping an ibuprofen to move on with the important stuff.
At 40, my body won’t just shut up and do my bidding.
I made an agreement with my body quite a few years ago, to learn to listen and receive the message. Because I have come to believe in my bones that pain is about emotions that have been ignored and pushed aside – emotions that my body is insisting that I feel by delivering pain.
Feeling like my sacrum is unstable at best, like I’m not digesting my food well, and as if I’m walking on pins and needles – when I write it down, I would giggle at what I’m reading, but tears sting my eyes.
My body is telling a story I don’t want to hear.
I don’t feel like my life is stable at the moment – my husband will be deploying soon, he is unexpectedly now in the running for a promotion that will potentially mean moving more than I had originally planned and I’m not digesting it well – at all. I don’t know how to break it down and understand that everything I thought was true, may not be – again. I am angry and sad, but, at the same time, not wanting to rock the boat, so I’m on pins and needles every time it comes up as we wait for more information.
The story I’ve been talking about is a lot different.
We are excited that Erick is unexpectedly up for another promotion and it will open up a whole new world of possibilities. Right now, nothing is certain, but we are fairly sure he will deploy in March. I am thrilled for him because he really deserves to be recognized for the rock star that he is. I want him to succeed. As a family, we will just go with the flow, like we do….
Both of these stories are true.
Denying the undercurrent of emotion will do no good. It is normal to have two equally strong reactions to change – elation and grief. Joy and fear. In denying the less desirable parts of our experience, we only set ourselves up for failure in some form or fashion.
In my case, potentially, resentment will build, my physical pain will likely continue to increase, and I will be left with a physical body in need of recovery and a whole mess of emotions that need to be untangled that aren’t current that will interfere with the happiness in my marriage and my ability to clearly define what I want for my family – and for me.
Is there a second, untold side, to your story?
Maybe you are so excited to start your business but there is an untold story that you are so empathetic that it will be exhausting to be a coach or a healer, so you end up paralyzed, unable to take action. Perhaps, you couldn’t wait to be a yoga teacher, but there is an untold story that making money is not spiritual and you keep giving away your work for free, never getting ahead.
So frustrating. Studiously ignoring the untold story that is begging to be brought to the light.
We can’t heal what we won’t acknowledge.
There is always, always, ALWAYS a good reason for the pain, for the overwhelm, for the thing we are trying to put away and ignore. Even when it doesn’t at all line up with how we think we “should” feel about something, our bodies and our emotions are giving us vital information.
In this moment, my anger and grief are asking me to feel – and, to create stability for myself here, in the present moment, and really look at what is coming. To sit with the uncertainty and weigh the possibilities. What kind of future do I envision given what I now know? What needs to be in place for me to make that happen for my family?
That is where we can make truly powerful decisions.
When we have access to both sides of the story, we have everything we need. That is where all of our resources and all of our wisdom can be accessed to make truly powerful choices. Only when we can bring it all out into the light can we make decisions that aren’t reactive or based on old, unhealed wounds that have festered or outdated patterns.
Are there places you are stuck? Overwhelmed? Frustrated? Is there a second side to the story that is trying to get your attention? Trust it. Honor it. Bring the whole story into the light.
Namasté to you, business yoginis!
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{ 6 comments }
I’ve been going through this, too. Thank you so much for today’s post. I’ve finally launched the solo-biz of my dreams, my clients are absolutely wonderful, I “should” be clear and ecstatic and powerful. But part of me is so afraid I’ll “mess it up” that I am under a lot of stress that isn’t helping my clients or me. I’m not doing my best work because I’m trying to ignore my fear and press on in spite of it. — I’m going to listen to you and sit with it instead. You reminded me of Abe Lincoln’s adaptation of a biblical quotation… “A house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this … [situation] cannot endure, permanently, half slave and half free.”
Megan, Absolutely!!
I also find that when we are in these states, it becomes harder to take effective action, because we aren’t truly in our bodies (because we are trying to avoid the feeling). Let me know how making friends with your fear, helps. xoxo.n
The “pain” piece and aging body really resonated with me, Nona. Over the last year I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain in my hips. So much that it’s hard to sleep on my side at night.
I’ve struggled to even accept that my hips hurt because isn’t that an “old person” thing?
I’m 50 so guess what? I’m getting “old person” things.
I felt inspired by your comment about getting in touch with our bodies.
A topic I’d like to learn more about from you!
Peace
Judy
Nona – this is just what I needed today. Thank you for reminding me to feel both sides. I already feel better, oh wise Yogini! XOXO
Nona, this post felt very authentic, very heartfelt and very masterfully expressed. I am sure it’s helping and will continue to help a lot of people going through the same experience. What and inspiration and an opportunity for learning, understanding the mind-body connection and growing and shifting!
Thank you for your openness. I sometimes have the belief that my teachers have it all together and are joyful and successful all the time. It’s good to be reminded that we all have emotions and of the mind-body connection and how the messages of our emotions and body can be felt as pain.
I just left my daughter at college for her second year and thought I was doing well on the drive home last night until I got a fierce butt cramp. I tried deep breathing and changing position (luckily my husband was driving at the time). It persisted. I finally got that this was just some emotion I was suppressing (again) and I needed to feel it. So turned my focus inward and I cried and got the message of what I was resisting feeling. Then I took an opportunity to get out of the car and walk around which helped too.