Wabi Sabi Wednesday. Detangle the emotional yarn.

A ritual.

When we are overwhelmed with the demands on our time. When the house is dirty, there are errands to run, deadlines loom, and the kids are clamoring for attention.  When we feel our grip is slipping, we can take a moment to gently, little by little, shift our perspective on the imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete parts of our lives.

In Japanese tradition, wabi sabi is a concept typically applied to objects. Wabi sabi celebrates, paradoxically, the  imperfection in objects, as being innately perfect and beautiful.

It’s about shifting our perspective. Appreciating the chaos and unpredictability in our busy lives, which opens us to the creative possibilities available in each moment.  Even when the kids are sick, the laundry basket is overflowing, and the deadlines are pressing –  wabi sabi is waiting to provide relief.

Each week, on Wednesday, we make a little bit of space to step back and look at some part of our beautiful, crazy life that is making us, well, crazy.  We take a compassionate look at what is causing friction and how we might find the perfection and beauty in the middle of the mess.

Sort of like untangling yarn that’s gotten all knotted up.

Applying wabi sabi is a process. The last two weeks, we’ve been finding a fresh perspective from our wise, inner 80-year old. This practice can help us find instant relief and some internal space, which makes it easier to start unwinding the knots in our hearts and minds.

But almost always, the thing that we are struggling with now, is just the most current incarnation of a problematic mind-set that we’ve had for a really long time.

So it’s important to be gentle and allow ourselves time.  And patience.  It’s not necessarily a quick-fix solution, but it is a solution that can make our whole life feel more ease-filled, even in the process of wabi sabi-fication (yes, I just made that up).

This week, we’re going to: get still, get curious, unwind, and repeat as necessary.

I’m going to return to my ongoing cute-clothes-not-fitting problem and unwind it some more, if you would like to join me in detangling some part of your life…

By asking my 80-year old to weigh in (pun intended) I found some softness and compassion for myself over the last few weeks.  From this place – and only this place – it becomes easier to dig around for the root of the problem.  Because the problem is not gaining 10 pounds.  There is some larger pattern of how I relate to life at work here.

Just the facts, ma’am

I started gaining weight when I began pursuing coach training and quit my job at the embassy.  Looking back on my life, I can see that often, big changes have precipitated weight gain for me.  Not always, though.  In particular, when I make a change where I’m really invested in a specific, positive outcome, I gain weight.

There is something juicy here. Obviously, I am bumping up against a deeply entrenched pattern.  It likely shows up in more areas of my life than just this one, so working on this will make me more aware of this pattern in other areas of my life as well.  If we can start healing our habitual reaction in one part of our lives, that starts spilling over into other parts of our lives.

I start by taking a few minutes to meditate and relax into my body.

Getting Curious

When I tune in and start poking around to see what a common threat might be that runs through all of these changes that have brought on weight gain, what unravels is this tight-feeling desire to be successful and to feel confident that I have what it takes to be really successful, right now. Right this instant.  It feels like a lack-mentality.  Not enough of anything: time, money, education, people, or cookies.

Fear and control.  Fear of failing in my own eyes and in others eyes. Wanting to control the outcome, and, really, wanting validation. I get so wrapped up in my fearful striving, that I stop connecting with my body and eat unconsciously.  Because over the last year or so, whenever I try and tune in to my body when I’m eating, my immediate response is to get away from the feelings that bubble up – that uncomfortable, fear-ish, controlling, impatient, need-it-now feeling.

And oh, yes.  This is feeling is familiar.  Like an old stretched-out sweater.  It seems like pursuing something that makes me really, blissfully, happy amps this feeling up to a level that makes it really uncomfortable to deal with.

Cupcakes, anyone?

Unwinding the imperfect perfection

By starting to loosen these knots a little more (and I’m sure it’s not over), it gives me more clarity around why I keep going numb when I eat. What I see here  is a beautiful opportunity to cozy up with some pretty uncomfortable sensations and learn, again, that experiencing strong feelings won’t hurt me.  Not only that, but I’ll get to feel the feelings and move on.  Because the fastest way through strong feelings is simply through them.

The other aspect of this that is really sweet and tender, is that the fundamental urge to do my very best is an inspired state to be in.  I love being connected to that energy!  It only gets mucked up when I start attaching to the idea of perfect outcomes and expectations – THAT is when I get scared, controlling, and impatient and start to shut down.

Beginning to unwind this feels like a huge step in the right direction – I have noticed over the last week that I am more able to connect to my body when I’m eating and explore the fear, but make a different decision about my reaction to it.  I can even see glimmers of pure wabi sabi magic that the 10-pound gain is exactly right because it led me straight here: to exploring (and letting go of) fear and control just a little bit more.  Which makes these 10-pounds feel like a gift wrapped special, just for me.  Because if I can let go of some of this old stuff and untie these knots, that is exactly what it is: a gift.

Are you tangled up in anything  that could use some wabi sabi this week?  How can I support you in that?  Leave a comment or email me: nona(at)nonajordan(dot)com.

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