I went to coffee with a friend the other day and she gave me the nicest compliment. She said, “You are one of the most positive people I know.” Then she followed that with, “Is it real?” I was surprised by both the compliment and the question. Surprised by the compliment, because to me, it’s a testament to how much I’ve changed as an adult and surprised by the question, because the answer is definitely a resounding yes. My positive outlook is absolutely authentic.
That has not always been true. I spent a good deal of my teenage years and twenties mired in negativity, defeating behaviors, and bad habits. When I reflect on the person I was ten years ago, I do not recognize myself. What I know for sure (to borrow a great phrase from Oprah) is that if you want to change, you can. Almost (if not) all of our constraints are self-constructed. Period. End of story.
How is the juicy question. Isn’t it?
Four steps to making positive changes
1. Start where you are
I say this all the time. We can’t get anywhere unless we know where we are. A courageous acceptance of where we are right this second is the place where real change begins. Not resisting anything about you and your life, right now. To change it, you must make friends with it (or at least get to a truce).
Though I don’t talk about it much, I drank quite a bit in my mid-twenties. One evening, I was sitting at my kitchen table, 4 beers into a 6 pack. I was completely overwhelmed by my job, my relationship at the time was a disaster, and I was overweight. I was suffering. I had been practicing yoga for about 7 years and meditating for about a year. I was really wanting to forget about everything with the six-pack that night and it just wasn’t happening. I saw with incredible clarity that there was a huge chasm between who I was and the life I was living and who I knew I was meant to be. I took an honest look at my reality in that moment. I stopped pretending that it was different, because it wasn’t working. At all.
2. Decide
Make a decision about what you would like to change in your own life. I suggest that you decide to move toward something, instead of “giving things up”. No matter how you frame it, you must decide and be willing to follow it with action.
I knew in that moment that I wanted to be clear. I wanted to wake up refreshed, not hungover. I wanted to love and trust whatever man I was going to be with, not be paranoid and anxious. I wanted to trust myself to set really clear boundaries. I wanted to contribute something meaningful to my community and to the world. I wanted to be the best I could possibly be.
3. Practice
Change is typically not linear. It’s one step forward, 1/2 step back, three to the side, and one kitty-corner. Maybe then, another one forward. It takes an incredible amount of faith in yourself and the process. It takes willingness and the courage to keep trying even when you fumble.
I have never picked up another drink. The boyfriend was gone within 6 months. I started volunteering time with a local organization who had a mission I believed in. I sat with a mindfulness meditation group weekly. I went to therapy. I started training to become a yoga teacher and started saying “no” to things that sucked my energy. I lost 30 pounds. I was decidedly imperfect and took wrong turns. I got scared that I would never be who I knew I was meant to be. And then I would pick myself up and start again. Change was hard work, but even when it felt like too much, I was excited about the life I was creating for myself.
4. Lather, rinse, repeat
There is no “end” to change. Sometimes we can coast along and enjoy the ride, then, it’s time for more change (usually this comes with some sort of pain, doesn’t it?) Time to push ourselves a little bit further and become more and more the person we are meant to be for the world. If change doesn’t get easier, at least it becomes more familiar.
About a year and a half after my 6-pack epiphany, I met my husband-to-be. In our beautiful, crazy life together, I have had even more opportunities to practice moving through change, some have been really positive and some have been more difficult: having a child, moving six times in seven years (one of them being overseas), starting my own business, dealing with illness, and on and on. The changes just keeps on comin’. I find that I am starting to get a little bit excited about what is coming when change knocks on the door.
Practices that inspire and support change
I am a naturally introspective person, which is helpful, but there are four practices that have been mainstays for me and help me embrace change.
1. Meditation, yoga, and mindfulness
Pity that these practices hold a religious stigma for some people. There is so much cool science coming out about how meditation changes our brains and our ability to focus- not to mention that it activates the happy part of our brain. Meditation, yoga, and mindfulness have supported and inspired change in my life by helping me stay grounded and connected to my own inner compass.
2. Changing the mind
By having a regular meditation practice I am often very aware of how my thoughts can end up driving my emotions and my responses – maybe others don’t need to meditate to be aware of their thinking. I seem to need it. In any case, with practice, the way we think can be changed. By focusing on positive thoughts (and I don’t mean yukky fake positive thinking – I’m talking about positive thoughts that you really believe) you can change the way your brain works. Practice is the keyword here, and honestly, having a coach can be incredibly helpful to learn this. Keeping a gratitude log and a journal to tease out where you are thinking negative thoughts is helpful as well.
3. Compassion
This is probably the most fundamental practice to adopt when you want to change. And it has to start with you. Compassion doesn’t mean eating bon bons all day and quitting your job. True compassion means doing the hard stuff, even when you are scared, and being kind to yourself when it doesn’t go as planned. A tool that I have created to objectively review where I’m at with an intended change is The (Compassionate) All-Purpose Review. You can use it to focus on what went right (YAY) and reflect objectively on what could have been better.
I would love to hear about your experiences with making authentic, positive changes – big or small. What supports change in your life? Comment, or contact me, I love to hear from you. I hope you all have a lovely holiday season – I will be back to a regular posting schedule after the holidays. My family is spending Christmas in Amsterdam this year. YAY!!
If you are in Rome, you might consider the upcoming workshop on setting a theme for your year. Resolutions so often meet with failure, setting a theme is a fun and creative way to direct your energy towards changing your life in ways that are meaningful to you.
Photo courtesy of Brenda Starr under a creative commons license.
